january 19 2024
It is a miracle to be able to make anything at all but the business of music is bleak.
It’s a Friday and I read on X that Pitchfork is being folded into GQ under Condé Nast and they’ve fired the majority of their staff. I hate that I have to call Twitter “X” now. And I’m still annoyed that they didn’t review my album even after giving me the first “Best New Track” of the year. I let it go, though. Music writing is in dire straits and I know it’s not personal. There’s just simply no money.
No money from streaming. No money for a video. No money for the journalists. No money for a full band. No money for a photoshoot. No money from album sales. No money to press vinyl. No money, no money, no money.
I went into [redacted] dollars of debt last year so I could put out my record and my film as close to the way I wanted to as possible. I was away on tour more than I was at home. I said yes to every gig. I said yes to every sync. I said yes to every interview. I gave it my all and then some. It paid off but I’ve always been a lucky girl. Angels watch over me. My mother prays for me every day. I know another musician who has been doing this for 10 years and they have millions of streams but they still can’t afford to live without roommates. Like what the fuck, right?
I have dreams of being a star, of shining brightly for as long as I can stomach it. I want to do it my way, with my integrity intact. I have dreams of being as rich as a bitch. There’s so many ideas and worlds inside of me. I need approximately 4 million dollars for about 3 years’ worth. I get caught up in the money, of course. I never ever ever ever ever EVER want to be poor again. Poverty kills the soul and erodes the human spirit, it is the root of all evil. I feel like I will only be able to relax when I become a trillionaire gazillionaire.
I work all the time and I never complain about anything. An old friend used to call me and ask if I was on “NZT or crack?”
I don’t do drugs anymore so it’s not that. It’s that I don’t believe in communism. I don’t believe in the free market. I barely believe in other people. But I believe in beauty. I believe in devotion. I believe in art and images and sounds and sights and the inevitable violence of the natural world.
I believe in myself.
